Of Scrying Glasses And Supressed Feelings
by Mysterious Sapphire Butterfly
Summary: I Love You....Daidoujisan


How long has it been?

_6 years_, I dully remind myself. _And you still haven't told her_.

Shifting slightly in my seat and crouching a little so as to avoid the teacher's piercing gaze, I doodle absentmindedly on the last page of my text book.

I have drawn your chibi image. It's just as I imagine it to be- innocent, accurate and in this case, cute.

I finally come to the difficult part of the drawing- the hair. Working laboriously, my eyes etched in concentration, I gasp with annoyance as the particular lock of hair I was drawing.

_Why can't it come right? This is just so-imperfect!!! _

You turn around, because of my loud thoughts. I mentally kicked myself; annoyed with my stupidity. I hurriedly flip the text book back to page 157 and say in a smooth voice, "is something wrong, Daidouji-san?"

You smile uncertainly and say, "that's what I meant to ask you, Hiiragizawa-kun…are you sure you're OK?"

"I don't get you, Daidouji-san," I say, slightly confused.

"Well," you say, tucking an impudent lock of hair behind your snow white ear. I resist the urge to free the lock from its new position; you look so much more beautiful with your hair undone and arranged tastefully about your face.

Checking if the teacher is still glued to the black board, you lower your voice and say, "over the past few days, you are behaving very….what's the word now? Oh yes…extremely…….strange."

Before I can continue, you turn around and face the black board, narrowly avoiding detention.

Either ways, you would have just been given a light warning and let off. Your charm works even on the teachers- Tomoyo Daidouji-class president, lead singer in the choir, school captain and of course, class topper.

I blush lightly; happy about the fact that you do notice me.

I smile slightly and turn back to the drawing, finishing it with a few artistic strokes. Here and there, I add intricate details- I add a light head band on your head, make the nose slightly more elegant and darken the wrinkles on your skirt, indicating pleats.

I smile fondly at my replication of Tomoyo- so innocent, so pure.

_I love you so much….._

RRRRRRRRRIIIINNGG!!!!

"Class dismissed," said the exhausted professor, as he walked wearily out of the classroom.

"No, I don't think we should go shopping, Sakura-chan. We have a test coming up," you say, shaking your head in a grave manner.

I stare, mesmerized by your face. I was practically drooling all over my desk.

"Hiiragizawa-kun, you have finished preparing for the test, haven't you?" you say, unexpectedly, turning to me with your large amethyst eyes full of something that's not supposed to be reserved for me at the moment: admiration.

I bite my lower lip, my head reeling at the prospect of answering you. The truth was, I had been daydreaming in class and had been drifting to Tomoyo Land more often than usual. Slacking off in class deserved no admiration. But, a tiny lie never hurts anyone, right?

I nod and say airily, "yes, yes. Of course. Trigonometry is not very difficult."

At that moment, Li interrupts in a gruff voice and says, "you idiot! We have physics and not trigonometry."

Sakura gets out her notebook and glances at it, before saying, "yeah, Eriol-kun. We have physics. Syaoran-kun is right."

I think of a clever answer, but you suddenly clap your hands and say, "is that really the time? OMG, I'm late for my singing practice!"

I flash you a grateful look and you smile at me and depart.

As usual, I was waiting for you. I don't know how long I have been doing this, it seems almost foolish. It would always ends like this: you would leave for your choir practice and I would dawdle around in school for 2 hours. And I would say I have soccer practice or pretend to read in the library.

Or I would simply wait outside school if you didn't have choir practice.

Today, however, I had made a stupid mistake.

I was conscious of my hands that were tucked in my pockets. Leaning against the steel gate, I felt cold sweat trickle down from my brow. Frequent impatient glances at my Swatch wristwatch, anxious wringing of hands, casual whistling and staring at nothing in particular in the crowd: these sings indicate only one thing- you are waiting for someone. I knew my body language was practically screaming this fact out, judging by the weird looks I was getting.

I don't care. I'm waiting for you.

And then, when practically three quarters of the school had left, I began to feel worried.

What must be keeping you? At times, you do lose track of time when you bury yourself under those massive volumes…but, surely, not so late?

I then realize: its Tuesday and not Wednesday. You had choir practice today.

Cursing under my breath, I swing my leg easily over a high branch and settle there, waiting for you. I mentally prepare myself for a long wait.

_However tedious the journey, if the destination is beautiful, the wait and the weariness seems worth the trouble_.

I get out my scrying glass and utter a brief incantation. This was my way of recording all the happy memories I had with you.

I don't know how many times I command the scrying glass to show me my memories. The details are accurate and at times, a bit exaggerated, as the memories are from my mind.

And everyone knows, my mind is as notorious as the pirate Jack Sparrow.

I snap out of my trance and stare at the polished bronze disc, which was glinting in the dapple afternoon sunlight.

An image is forming in the scrying disc.

I find myself staring at my ten year old face and your sweet smile. We were really happy that time. I still hadn't discovered my feelings for you; I was so caught up in Kaho Mizuki.

My mind becomes numb as I start hearing your voice:

"_Do you really like it, Hiiragizawa-kun?" you say, your eyes glistening with happiness._

"_Yes, Daidouji-san. It's excellent. I give it an A+"I say, smiling._

"_I'm glad you like it. Sakura-chan did say you dig strawberry shortcake. I didn't know she said it literally," you finish, grinning._

"_So you think I'll get a good grade?" you ask, in a worried sot of way._

_I nod and say, "Terada-sensei would have to be really dense if he didn't like it."_

The picture fades. Another one comes up- this time we are twelve years old.

"_Lets play STD!" announced Sakura as everyone else looked confused._

"_What's STD, Sakura-chan?" asks Chiharu._

"_STD? That's easy! It means Stare Truth Dare!" she replied, giggling._

_I watch from afar, my eyes still distant. Why did you do this, Kaho?_

"_Would you like to play, Hiiragizawa-san?" asks a soft voice._

_I look up to see beautiful lilac eyes, gazing at me with a tranquility I can't imagine._

_I blush uncertainly. What is this? Why am I, the great reincarnate of clow reed blushing?_

"_Sure," I reply, regaining my composure._

_Li is glaring at me, his annoyance quite evident; I was sitting next to the genki cherry blossom._

"_Right. Oh yes, Syao-kun, could I borrow your water bottle?" says Sakura, looking at Li._

_Li blushes madly and hands Sakura his empty water bottle._

_The bottle stops spinning. I get the question and Sakura gets the answer._

"_Right. So Sakura-chan, stare truth or dare?" I ask, almost bored._

"_Hmmmm…."says Sakura, one finger on her chin. "STARE!"_

"_Okay. Stare at Li-kun for a minute," I say, grinning evilly._

"_Hai," she replies and starts staring at Li._

_Me and Daidouji-san can't stop laughing. Li's face was a Kodak moment!_

Another movie comes up. I'm calling this a movie is because that's what this is. I can see everyone's faces clearly. Useful and interesting, my scrying glass is one heck of a magical gadget!

_We are all alone. The two of us are practicing for an upcoming competition. The music room is the same as usual: cool, illuminated by artificial light with the faint smell of wood polish still lingering in the air._

_A huge mahogany piano stands in a corner. Everything is the same._

_Except you._

_For the first time I notice, you look newer as each day passes._

_Your eyes, they seem like fireflies, your lips seem like flower petals and your face is like the moon._

_Okay, I really suck at poetry, but, so what?_

_It is an honest simile. All that is really true!_

"_Ahem…"_

_A polite cough stirs me from my reprieve. I look up to see skeptic lilac eyes and slight amusement flitting in those pupils._

_Blushing slightly, I turn to the piano and begin playing one of Mozart's famous compositions._

_You begin to sing._

_And I listen, playing the piano with renewed vigor._

_I imagine the black keys to be your hair, smooth and cold._

_And the white ones to be your sweet face._

_Pressing them lightly, I finish with a high note._

"_That was good wasn't it, Hiiragizawa-san?" you say, smiling._

_I nod, averting your eyes._

I grin as I see your confused look. You're even denser than Sakura.

_It's my first Christmas at the Daidouji mansion. You had invited everyone from our class. This is a very special day for me as this was the day I realized my feelings for you for the first time._

_Kaho had left me and I was shattered._

_I distanced myself from the real world. I lived in my memories._

_You vowed to get back my smile. And here I am-helplessly in love with you._

_The sky is darkening slowly. While everyone is dancing and making merry, I disappear into the mazy depths of the garden._

_Touching the soft white china roses, I smile softly._

_The roses are just like me, I realize._

_The texture of the petals is soft and moist. They are like silk sheets to touch. So beautiful and debonair._

_Me: outer beauty and peace, happiness and satisfaction._

_The lower part of the rose, that is, the stem, is covered with thorns._

_The hidden part, the inner turmoil inside me: desperate, seeking for a little love._

_The rose, with its great flamboyant beauty, tries to conceal its pain and suffering, that is, its thorns._

_Me; with my polite smiles and courteous gestures, I try to hide my pain._

_The rose and Eriol Hiiragizawa: an unusual metaphor, but true, nevertheless._

"_What is the man all the girls are looking for observing at roses?" calls a soft voice._

_I turn around and face the person with a Cheshire cat grin._

_Long white legs laced with he strings of tie-up stilettos, a short white dress reaching the knees, raven dark hair entwined into a bun and white shoulders gleaming in the moonlight: you are next to perfect._

_Tomoyo Daidouji. As always, we smile and greet each other like mere acquaintances._

_Politeness is the bridge between friendship and acquaintance. The day you cross it, you realize you've become friends._

"_You look stunning tonight, Daidouji-san," I say, looking at you admiringly._

_You laugh airily and say, "As always, you look handsome, Eriol-kun."_

"_I see you're not enjoying the party," you continue with a slight smile._

"_Oh no, I'm having fun. You're roses are flourishing," I say, stroking one. I haven't plucked them. I believe the old saying: don't pluck flowers at night, the trees are sleeping._

"_Such a subtle shift of topic. I'm glad, thank you," you continue grinning._

_I stand motionless. You come forward and stroke the rose under my hand gently._

"_You love roses too, Eriol-kun?" you say, smiling._

"_Yes."_

"_Why?"_

_I turn to you and say, "Just like that."_

"_Really?"_

"_Yes."_

"_Well no, actually," I say uncomfortably. I had never confided in anyone before._

"_Oh," you say, understandingly._

"_I like them as they give a loud message," you announce, smiling fondly at the rose._

"_Really?" I ask, raising my eyebrow._

"_Yes. They say, no matter what the difficulties in life, you should continue to remain pure and confident by fighting despair. I think the roses' thorns are more beautiful than its petals."_

_My eyebrows shoot up. My forehead is creased with lines. That's Tomoyo Daidouji for you: never fails to make you feel pathetic._

"_Life would be dull without sadness, don't you think? I mean if everyone were happy, they would not find the need to confide in others and thus, they would never make friends. Life's obstacles and thorns make it worth living."_

"_I suppose that's a different way to look at it. Quite philosophical, Daidouji-san."_

"_Why, thank you, Hiiragizawa-kun."_

"_You didn't ask me how I derived my theory?" you continue, looking at me._

_I stare at the eyes that are almost hidden by those long eyelashes. You were so close, I could see your pupils widening in the darkness._

_I raise my eyebrow, waiting to hear the answer._

"_By observing you."_

_My eyes widen as you say, "Hiiragizawa-san, I've seen you hiding your true feelings and continuing to live on. Isn't that enough to prove how strong willed and determined you are? You didn't crumble like I would… do."_

_My heart sank. We had arrived at Kaho._

"_However", you continue frowning, "your smile; its changed."_

"_I will get it back."_

"_Your petals are fewer, compared to your thorns. Your smile used to drive the thorns away. Because of your grimace, the petals are disappearing."_

"_You need friends, Hiiragizawa-san. Just as a rose needs tender care and sunshine, you need friends. I am here for you."_

_I smile as you finish._

_Always so wise. Always oh so smart._

_You deciphered me like I was a mere jigsaw puzzle._

_I love you, Tomoyo Daidouji._

_Even though you continue chattering and don't notice anything, my looks say it all._

As the picture fades, my favorite memory comes up. I sit up slightly, grimacing in pain as the rough bark scrapes my ankles.

"_I am going with Junya, Sakura-chan. He asked me yesterday," you say, your eyes shining._

"_WOW! JUNYA KAGURE, THE HOTTEST GUY IN CLASS ASKED YOU TO GO WITH HIM FOR THE HOMECOMING DANCE???!!" yelled an ecstatic Sakura, causing the whole class to look at them._

"_Sorry," she murmured, looking at her feet._

_I frown and return to my novel. That sucker of a Junya. Of all the girls, he had to catch Tomoyo._

_Finally, the homecoming dance day comes up._

_I was not happy. I had no partner._

_That was not exactly the case. I had turned down around 150 teary girls as I wanted to go with you._

_Now, I must suffer the consequences._

_The guys, especially Li, were calling me gay._

_Who cares? I think as I sip my fruit punch. My eyes narrow as I watch you dance happily with that geek._

_I mean, what does he have that I don't?_

_I'm smart, fairly good-looking (actually very) and I play soccer well._

_That sucker wouldn't know the difference between a ball and a hoola hoop. _

_I scowl as I remember the day I had asked you out:_

_Pacing nervously during break, I make for the many tables in the cafeteria._

_I spot you. It's easy as you occupy the largest one because of your gang of followers._

_I watch you eat your pasta. As a bit of sauce settles on your lips, I think of how yummy you would taste: hot and sweet._

_Shaking my head, I walk down the aisle which leads to your table._

_I feel like a bride. Just about to get married. All blushing and shying away._

"_Uhmmm……Tomoyo, have you got a moment?"_

_You look up, surprised. As the girls at the table start giggling, I blush harder._

_You however, don't. Relieved, I get out of the cafeteria and make for the garden._

"_So, what is it?"_

"_Doyouwannagodancewidme?" I say, looking at the ground._

"_Sorry? Didn't quite catch that." you say, frowning._

"_Do you want to go to the dance with me?" I say, clearly._

_You blush and say, "Oh. I'm so sorry, Hiiragizawa-kun. I'm going with someone else."_

_Great. No, excellent. I muster so much courage for a no._

"_Oh. Ok. No problem."_

"_I'm really sorry, Eriol-kun."_

"_No, is really OK."_

"_So, see you then," you say, still blushing._

"_yeah."_

"_Who are you going with?" I blurt out. I couldn't help myself. At least, I could rest in peace, knowing the name of the asshole would give me vindictive pleasure later._

"_Oh, Junya. Junya Kagure."_

_As I sip another glass, I notice Kagure disappearing to get some drinks._

_I watch as you stand alone on the dance floor._

_You look forlorn and miserable. And pink too._

_So cute, I think to myself, watching you furtively over the rim of my glass._

_As you spot me, you wave to me. I make for you, still clutching my glass._

"_Hi!" you say, breathlessly._

"_Hey," I reply._

_I wasn't going to smile at you. You didn't go out with me. _

"_Where's your boyfriend?" I ask you coldly._

"_Oh, Junya? He's gone to get some drinks."_

"_Good."_

"_I love this song."_

"_Me too," I say, staring at the many couples._

_We were getting weird stares as we were occupying the centre of the floor._

"_Will you dance with me?" I ask you, slowly._

_You hesitate and then say, "Ok. One dance won't hurt."_

_I thrust my fruit punch into Li's hand. He scowls._

_As I gently grasp your waist and pull you close, you gasp at the sudden proximity._

_You place your hand on my shoulder and I clasp your other in mine._

_Gently, we revolve on the same spot._

_**There's no one in town I know  
You gave us some place to go.  
I never said thank you for that.  
I thought I might get one more chance.**_

_I stare at your long lashes and at your hair. Your lilac gown suits you well, even though I prefer you in white. Your eyes are an eddy of confused emotions. My gaze never wavers from your face._

"_Wow. You're quite a dancer," you say, laughing nervously._

_I smile and continue to stare into your eyes. You avert mine._

_I then realize, I'm being too demonstrative. Pulling myself away from you, I smile fondly._

_At you, of course._

_You smile back, almost shyly._

"'_what would you think of me now? So lucky so strong so proud….I never said thank you for that. Now I'll never have a chance….." I say, grinning._

"_Wow. You sing well too. Is there anything you're not good at?" you say, teasingly._

"_Yes. I can't tell the girl I love how much I care about her," I say, softly._

"_What did you say?" you say, confused._

"_Nothing."_

_**May angels lead you in.  
Hear you me my friends.  
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.  
May angels lead you in.**_

_My favorite part in the song comes up. The tinkling part, I feel it's ethereal. It reminds me of your innocence and grace._

_As the song comes to an end, you smile and say, "Arigatou. You're quite a dancer."_

"_It's my pleasure."_

_As I depart, I notice your smile and my heart soars._

_At least you have seen me._

_Now that you have reciprocated slightly, the long journey won't be that bad._

I give a start as I see a raven haired figure running.

Its you.

Clutching your precious books in your hands, you run towards the closed gate.

You suddenly stop and start running in a different direction.

As I crane my neck to see you, you absentmindedly make for the cherry blossom trees where Sakura usually used to wait for you. And then, you realize, she isn't there.

Ever since Sakura started dating Syaoran, you would always be alone. Not that it really mattered to you as you were a loner like me. But, losing your best friend does prick at sometimes.

Your hair flows effortlessly with the gentle wind as you stare around, your mind drifting into oblivion.

It starts raining. You look up. A cold rain drop falls on your nose. A second one falls on your lips. I stare at your eyes; they were squeezed shut. Your hands were clenched tightly and I can see your pale skin reddening.

I want to pry open your fingers and hold your hand. As you slowly open it, I bite my lips as I see the nail marks.

I looked at the tree bough I was sitting under; it sheltered me from prying eyes and protected me from the rain as well.

As I see your head lowering, I jump down from my hiding place and produce a big blue umbrella from no where.

You gasp as I call out your last name.

You turn around and smile faintly. I run up to you and say, "Are you crazy? You'll catch a cold."

You continue smiling.

Frowning a little, you say, "What were you doing so late in school, Hiiragizawa-kun?"

I blush slowly and start thinking of a million answers.

Should I tell you why was I really here?

Should I tell you the only reason why I exist is the fact that I get to see you?

Should I tell you how you wreak havoc in my mind?

Should I tell you how much I wish to see you smile?

Should I tell you the way you look when you are surprised-all beautiful and elegant?

Should I tell you how much I love your eyes, your silky soft hair and your cherry lips?

Should I tell you I love the hidden Tomoyo- the one who is caring and gentle?

Should I tell you…I love you?

"It's alright. I'm no one to enquire," you say, sizing me up with your amethyst eyes.

I look at you for a second. To you, it might be just a glance. To me, it was another memory.

I carefully look at your eyes, your lank hair as it hung around your pale face and at your mirthless smile.

Looks like I'm not the only one who's sad.

It sometimes shocks me to see how similar we are. Both of us are pining to be loved by the ones we love, but it never happens.

You sneeze. I grin as you apologize.

"Arigatou, Eriol-kun. You're such a good friend."

Just a friend. I feel a terrible pang in my heart. Just a friend.

In a vain attempt to hide my sadness, I turn to you and say, "May I walk you home?"

You look surprised and say, "No need, Eriol-kun. I'll be fine by myself."

"I insist."

"Fine then. So it is."

The End.

* * *

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MSB.


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